Ass ass ass.

Once upon a time, there was a pig. And that pig done growed up all fatty and delicious on the inside. Did you know that farm grown pigs have to live in hermetically sealed pig pens now? They cannot romp around in the mud and get saved by charmingly literate spiders or anything. Nothing can save them, not even the power of love. In any case, there was a pig, and he was made into delicious bacon. And God saw this bacon and said it was good.

I understand, having once accidentally ordered a meat lovers’ pizza for my Muslim Chinese stepmother, that some people may feel offended by my passion for bacon.

Okay, so I was going to MSPaint me flicking off vegetarians in the blessed sight of God. But, it turns out that I suck at drawing heresy, and Ubuntu does not have an equivalent of MSPaint that I could find.

Anyways, I tried to put bacon into Asian pancakes. I mostly used the Yulin method, but I found one with pictures on the internet.

Ingredients:

- Five cups of flour

- Two cups of boiling water

- One cup of cold water

- Salt

- Vegetable oil

- Scallions, chopped

- Bacon, cooked to a crisp and crumbled

Confession: I fucked up bacon. These are paraphrased Gloria instructions for cooking bacon: “Heat the pan to medium, medium high. Put the bacon in the pan. Maybe move it around a little. If things get ridiculous, drain the pan.” If you are functionally stupid in a kitchen, I highly recommend turning your stove fan on its highest setting before doing any of that shit. And then make sure your boyfriend is out of the house so he does not see the smoky bacon disaster.

Okay, the fun part that doesn’t make you look like a jackass. Put the flour in a mixing bowl. Pour boiling water into the bowl and stir it around with a spoon until it’s crumbly. It doesn’t need to be fine crumbs, just kind of pieces. Now pour the cold water in. Then put your hands in and have a grand old time. If you want some structure, see Sophie’s post on baking bread. If you don’t have a pleasant, slightly sticky dough at this point, add some water. If your dough feels like an Alien facehugger looks, then toss in some more flour. Knead like a mofo. Knead until you can’t move. I’m not kidding. My triceps hurt the next day.

Let the dough rest for a bit with a towel on it so it doesn’t get dusty. If you’re feeling like a fancypants, brush some oil on it first. While the dough is resting, take your chopped green onion and sprinkle some salt on it so it gets wilty.

From here on, use Yulin’s instructions. I only have a bit of advice.

Bacon!

1. If you use these instructions, divide the pancakes into five pieces, not four. Four is too much. Four makes an Olympic-grade discus.

2. Sprinkle the bacon on liberally, but watch out: it doesn’t flavor the pancake as much as you want it. Sprinkle a little salt on before you hit Cinnabon stage.

3. Right before you fry, stretch out the pancake a little, until it is a size that you think is attractive.

4. When Yulin says “Generously oil,” he is not fucking kidding. This is not stir frying oil. You are practically deep frying your business. And the pancake will drink up a ton of it; my most successful pancake involved me reoiling the pan before I flipped.This oil means serious business.

5. Pro-tip from Gloria: toss your pancake in the air and catch it in the pan for bonus points. I don’t believe I did this successfully.

After three tries, I finally got one right. Fluffy, delicious, and perfect with Soy Sauce Paste. It sounds like crap and looks like crap, but it brings a party to your mouth and the cops aren’t invited.

This one turned out fluffy and delicious! I know what you Asian people are wondering: where are the layers? Well… shut up. It has bacon, dude.