Chimatherapy

This is everyone else’s review of Chima: “OH GOD I AM SO FAT HALP ZZZZZZ.”

Chima is a restaurant in Tysons Corner with a format along the lines of Malibu Grill. You pay a set (mostly expensive) fee, and strong-armed men bring you pieces of meat, as much as you can eat. There is no pressure to leave, or even to eat quickly–everyone is fat. I would recommend going there with an empty stomach, but one that you’ve toughed through. You definitely need to pace yourself, because, to make your 50 (or 40, right now) dollars worth it, you will eat as much as possible.

First of all, the ambience is wonderful. It’s not too chic, and we didn’t have to dress up to go into it. The wait staff was polite and friendly, and the meat bearers called me ma’am. After our somewhat disastrous run in with Asia 9, some pleasant wait staff was much appreciated. The walls are lined with wine bottles, with rolly ladders to access the top racks. I never saw a waiter on said rolly ladders, but I was romanced by the possibility. The restaurant is a twee bit loud–not invasively so. I’m just saying that it’s apparently a popular birthday place, and the well-wishers are boistrous.

But the food… The food is the highlight. The salad bar is unlimited, but we only really made it down there for a full plate once, at the very beginning. I had a delightful creamy vegetable soup (there was definitely pureed potato and red pepper involved), the caesar is plain but inoffensive, and there are a LOT of cheeses, including small balls of I guess fresh mozzarella. I wouldn’t say that everything from the salad bar was phenomenal, but then again, that’s not what you came for.

If you’ve entirely stuffed your face and the end is in sight and you haven’t had any lamb, hold out for it. Ask a waiter. The lamb is out of this world. We tried both the lamb chops and the leg of lamb (one long, pink slice), and they were so well-flavored and so moist that it was almost hard to deal with. Eyes bulged. Pants tented. Et cetera. I had ordered a pinot noir, and the lamb gave it almost a sweet, velvety flavor. Other favorites were the bacon-wrapped filet mignon and the parmesan pork, which kind of melted in your mouth with delightful creamy texture. Oh, als o the fish (swordfish or salmon). They both come with a white, almost tartar sauce, which are flavored. The salmon one was a caper-flavored sauce. It’s a shame that that was the last meat my poor, shattered body could handle, because I’m sure it would’ve been mind-blowing otherwise.

A final discovery: Brazilian Lemonade. This is delicious. Spanky ordered one at the very end of our carnivorous indulgence, and it absolutely destroyed us. We were looking for a palette cleanser, and it was so thick and delicious that it ended up causing my dinnermates to tap out of ordering more meats. We’ll definitely have to make this at some point. I insist.

Go with a small group of people with whom you can have an easy two-to-three hour conversation. You’ll want to slow down and try again, so there are plenty of good, long pauses during which to make good conversation. Also, make sure you have a study Indian fellow to drive you home. If you go entirely with tiny Asian girls, they will all drop into a food coma.