Scale of Fail: 1 million vs. 300 in Battle of Thermopylae, then getting pushed back into Persia by the fucking Athenians.
So here’s my problem. When I make up recipes, I think things will be GREAT. They are not always great. I feel like I’ve got imagination, but terrible form. The form will come with either practice or reincarnation after I light myself on hot, hot fire. Or maybe, I just have to get Sfofie to teach me how to do things without dying. Again.
The challenge:
I was so disappointed with Guatemala that I wanted to make a nice, tropical-themed meal that wasn’t too hard to make.
The plan:
Tropical food to me means blending flavors. The safe blandness of chicken, with the tangy surprise of jerk rub. Cayenne pepper with mango. I wanted to make the Jabba’s Palace of food: A party in your mouth, bounty hunters okay.
- Coconut rice with capers.
- Ham and pineapple rounds, with toasted paprika.
- Grilled romaine hearts, with pineapple flavor.
The fail:
Cast iron grill pan has failed me. Also, I have failed myself. I also suspect that my current kitchen’s fan is not powerful enough; I smoke up my apartment like a latchkey kid. But I’m just trying to grill some damn lettuce.
The most successful bit by far was the ham and pineapple rounds. I found a pastry round just the size of pineapple slices, and cut a thick slice of ham into perfect little circles. I cooked the ham, just a couple minutes over medium heat in a skillet, and threw the pineapple on the grill pan on medium. There was some olive oil involved, and the pineapple came out smoky and delicious. I toasted the paprika in a dry pan on medium-low for about two minutes or so, and it came out tasting smoky and just right… and then I forgot to put it on the pineapple.
Bonus round: I marinated my pineapple for around an hour in spiced rum. Not sure if it made a difference in flavor, but my rum tasted DAMN fine.
The part that should’ve worked in theory was the rice. I just Japanese extra fancy rice, toasted it a bit in oil, and then dropped in a can of coconut milk and a can of water. I forgot to cover it (fault 1), and I didn’t let it cook long enough because it was looking like the rice was ready to melt into some kind of sad mush (fault 2). The taste was great–the coconut is light and happy, and the capers give it a sharp kick in the nads. One caper per bite was usually enough to totally end my world with happiness. For next time: cook rice like not a retard. (PS: this rice really is good. I’m not a huge fan of coconut, but I gorged on this stuff when my mom made it in Belize. Try it! You won’t be
The grilled romaine was a fail so epic, Xerxes would’ve shook his head in shame. I’d be like, “Fuck you, Xerxes, you couldn’t take out 300 dudes at Thermopylae!” and he’d be like, “It’s lettuce, Jo. You messed up grilling already-prepared food. What the hell is wrong with you?” Fault 1: So you brush a little oil on things you grill. “Cool,” I thought, “I’ll make something neat and emulsified, and have a nice flavored grill thing. And look, all this leftover pineapple juice…” Let me tell you something, kids. Don’t make an emulsion out of pineapple juice, mustard, and olive oil. It doesn’t fucking work. It doesn’t make the tangy, sweet, savory thing you want, and the texture is disastrous. Also, don’t cut your romaine hearts in half when you grill them. Tiny pieces of lettuce will fall into the cracks, stick, and ultimately smoke up your entire house.
If I had another shot at this one, I would just lightly oil up the romaine, then make a separate vinaigrette, I’m thinking raspberries and white wine vinegar. The flavor of my weird stuff didn’t even come out. I ended up gorging on leftover pineapple slices and drowning my sorrows in liquor.
Business as usual.