Ingredients:

- Mild oil of your preference; I used grapeseed, olive would be good
- Garlic, either minced garlic or sliced garlic scapes
- Rosemary, fresh or dried
- Asparagus
- Bacon, thick cut
- Toothpicks

1. Pour generous blorb of oil into a small pan.

2. Chop garlic scapes and crumble rosemary into the oil in a pan. Heat, probably stirring more than is really necessary, until the kitchen smells delicious and the oil is all nice and flavored. PROTIP: Don’t overdo it, or your garlic scapes will transform into small dark balls of burnt. Don’t ask how I know that.

3. Preheat oven to 350F, or 375F if you’re hungry RIGHT NOW.

4. Wash the asparagus, snap off the gross woody ends, and slice into 2-3″ lengths.

5. Slice each bacon strip into thirds or 4″ strips, whichever makes more sense to you.

6. Pile four or so asparagus mini-stalks onto a bacon mini-strip, perpendicular to the strip (you’ll be making a little asparagus bundle).

7. Drizzle a bit of the oil with garlic and rosemary onto the asparagus.

8. Wrap the bacon around the asparagi and secure with a toothpick.

9. Bake in a baking dish for 30-40 minutes, or until bacon looks cooked.

10. Dip in remaining oil + garlic + rosemary and eat. I cannot believe what a beautiful blend of flavors this produces. It’s like tasting the Sistine Chapel. But with bacon!

A BRIEF HISTORY: In late December of 2008, bbqaddicts.com published a post detailing a marvelous creation they dubbed the Bacon Explosion. It spread across the internet like fat-fueled wildfire, and cardiac surgeons the world over rejoiced in their sudden windfall.

Bacon Explosion

1.5 lb thick sliced bacon
1.5 lb ground pork
bbq sauce and seasoning to taste

1) Weave bacon into bacon mat. Try not to eat it yet.

My previous attempt was a 5×5 weave whose structural integrity left a little to be desired. This latest effort, a 7×7 weave, closed all the gaps between rows and generally did a better job at being a bacon sheathe (of bacon, for bacon).

(At this point the cat made a desperate bid for the pile of bacon on the counter, and with ninja speed and total lack of ninja foresight I intercepted her just as she alit next to the bacon mat. I swept her off the counter – with my thoroughly bacon-greased hand – and she spent the rest of the evening happily licking herself. Whoops.)

2) Start cooking the remaining bacon. Stick in a pan and fry it however you please, but under no circumstances should you add more oil, because that’s just disgusting. Is 5000 calories not enough for you?

3) On top of the weave, spread a layer of ground pork that doesn’t quite reach the edges and, for ease of rolling, is tapered thinner along the side closest to you.

This picture shows nearly twice as much pork as is necessary – the roll ended up far too big for the weave, and I had to scoop a bunch of the ground pork out. Also, be careful with spreading the pork, as it will adhere to the weave underneath and push it around, mucking with your careful artistry. I formed little flat patties and set them on the weave, patchwork-style, then smoothed the seams together to form a solid square.

3) Top the pork layer with barbeque sauce and seasonings. I used a nice organic bbq sauce (sweetened with honey and sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup! Amazing), as well as oregano, basil, and black pepper.

4) The frying bacon should be done by now. Remove it from the pan with a slotted spoon and let it cool a bit on a couple layers of paper towels. When you can touch it, crumble/rip/chop it into small bits and spread over the ground pork + seasonings.

5) Carefully, leaving the weave on the cutting board, roll the ground pork up into a meat tube. Wrap the weave around the tube and lay seam-down on a pan, preferably one of those cool two-layer pans for cooking fatty stuff, and tuck in the ends.

6) Bake @ 225 for ~1hr per inch of thickness, or until meat thermometer reads 165 degrees.

7) Cut in ~1/4″ thick slices, pace yourself, and enjoy!

And please, for the love of arteries, don’t stick this in a bun and eat it like a sub.