let’s get fat and sassy
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If food were ladies, I'd be James Bond: committed to none, willing to try all, except for that one with the underaged ice skating champion. I rarely turn down food. Although I am no longer a fan of sweets, because of a primordial fear of dentistry, I have tried savory foods from a ton of places, and I can tell you right now: they're good. I am a trained restaurant shark, fork at the ready to steal your food. If it looks good.
This is everyone else’s review of Chima: “OH GOD I AM SO FAT HALP ZZZZZZ.” Chima is a restaurant in Tysons Corner with a format along the lines of Malibu Grill. You pay a set (mostly expensive) fee, and strong-armed men bring you pieces of meat, as much as you can eat. There is no [...]
Scale of Fail: 1 million vs. 300 in Battle of Thermopylae, then getting pushed back into Persia by the fucking Athenians. So here’s my problem. When I make up recipes, I think things will be GREAT. They are not always great. I feel like I’ve got imagination, but terrible form. The form will come with [...]
I went to restaurants and cooked in exotic locales. Let me tell you some things. 1. FUCK YOU, GUATEMALA. For the love of God, don’t go to Guatemala anticipating a beautiful meal that tastes delicious. The local meats are no good, and cow doesn’t have ‘cuts’ so much as ‘parts that probably came off of [...]
I am a tragically addicted to Vapiano’s, a cooked-to-serve pasta place that offers overpriced but delicious food, exactly the way you like it. But it is very expensive, and although I love me some caesar salad, it shouldn’t cost 10 of my hard-earned dollars. Here’s the thing about salad. It should be so easy to [...]
Once upon a time, there was a pig. And that pig done growed up all fatty and delicious on the inside. Did you know that farm grown pigs have to live in hermetically sealed pig pens now? They cannot romp around in the mud and get saved by charmingly literate spiders or anything. Nothing can [...]
I love you. I love your delicious seafood which is not the best, but flavorful and warm, like food that you yourself could make, but don’t want to right just now. You are a little expensive, but otherwise the essence of a great comfort food restaurant. I want to express my deepest gratitude for not abandoning [...]
Thanks to Gloria, Kim and Karen, I had a 40 dollar gift certificate to Crate and Barrel. Thanks to the tea party, I had a ravenous need for tea. (One day they’ll make that movie: “NEED FOR TEA: HYPER-INFUSED. You’re in too deep if you’re not steeped.”) So I combined the supply and the [...]
I am at Karen and Spanky’s house. There are Street Fighter 4 sounds and egg beater sounds in the background. We have had a Tea Party, limited in size but not limited in scope. We don’t have pictures of our full spread, because food pretty much disappeared when it hit the table. Also, the table [...]
I do not make gourmet food. I make gourmand food. Give me an army, and I will feed it and have leftovers for lunch the next day. This is a wonderful dish, because there is a ton of it, it tastes good, it’s easy to make, and you get to mash potatoes. Because of this, [...]
Are you scared of Spanky’s obsessions with fire and cream? Here is another deglaze-based sauce that tastes delicious and is awesome. Despite the fact that I have ruined a good five steaks in my time, this sauce always comes out wonderfully on top of my ruined steaks. Instead of brandy, deglaze your pan with chicken [...]