I speak only to those with souls of fire and an insatiable hunger, (Either for competition or a good meal!) for he that hath no stomach, let him depart!  This post is for Chefs of Iron! For the first time friends all over North America will meet in an EPIC CONTEST for glory, for the praise of their fellow man and because it’s just plain fun. The road will not be easy and (as we dice onions) we will share many tears, but we shall be remembered!

Repair to your kitchens to await Chairman Frazier (Hopefully with both (1) A Flamboyant Cape (2) Swooshy sound effects!)  and his choice of SPECIAL INGREDIENTS. <Cue smoke machine, lighting>

I’m imagining this being more a catalyst for inspiration rather than an actual contest, especially for those of us ALL ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! XD (I plan to wrap the Special Ingredient in Bacon. If the special ingredient *is* bacon, even better.) Whenever we decide on a Special Ingredient, take a few days to ponder the possibilities, purchase it and then cook an amazing meal over the weekend (With pictures!) and post it! I’m excited to see the variation and creativity we’re sure to come up with!

If you have any suggestions (For Special Ingredients, A Bacon-less division, Paper plate Style awards ["Dish with least peanuts goes to... *Drumroll* ... Spanky!!!"] etc.) Do mention it?

Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures that night because I was so engrossed with making and consuming the pizzas… but if I make one again (which I will) I’ll be sure to take pics.

Here we go!

We used this dough recipe from smitten kitchen. All you need is some all purpose flour, yeast, lukewarm water, salt and olive oil.  Kneading the dough is actually easier than one might think – getting it to an even consistency only takes a few minutes.  I don’t think I need to add any more details to the recipe linked above… it is pretty thorough.

Best thing ever: after the dough has risen, patted down, and re-risen (about 1.5 hours), it has the most AMAZING texture.  Poke  it! Hold it in your hand!  As someone put it at the party it is like “touching the boobs of the cosmos”.

Anyway, after the dough is ready, get all your toppings chopped!  This is the fun part, where you can get as creative as you want. Here are some toppings that we made  use of:

• white mushrooms
• red, yellow, green peppers
• red and yellow onion
• italian sausage (we pre-cooked it)
• bacon
• mini pepperonis (Costco had the most adorable centimeter-wide mini pepperonis, WE COULD NOT RESIST)
• basil
• zucchini
• chicken strips (we used the frozen strips that you can just heat up in the microwave then cut into cubes)
• mozzarella (cut into smallish pieces, not shredded)

We made a critical mistake with the tomato sauce we used for the pizzas: we only had tomato sauce from a can, which turned out to be waaay too runny.  In the future, we will at least use 50% tomato paste, 50% sauce.

Another tasty addition was roasted garlic – mmmmmmm.

So once your toppings are ready, flatten out your dough (I used a combination of my hands and a rolling pin), spread toppings evenly across the pizza, then roll the edges around to form a crust.  Stick it in your oven at the highest temp for around 20ish minutes, then you are done!

Some more ideas on pizzas can be found here:

10 Paths to Painless Pizza Making

I vaugely remember that Miso & Rice is somehow wrong, or not a proper meal or taboo, but it is GOOD. Toss a dose of miso into a rice pot & eat it when ready! If I’m lacking in time/effort but need to eat a meal that is both tasty & hot, this is always a good beginning.

If you wish to refrigerate creme brulee for a few days, do not sugar & torch the top yet. The caramelized sugar will begin to dissolve into the cream. Fear not, gentle reader, for all is not lost! Your dessert will still be delicious, but with much sugar dissolved, you will rarely get the satisfying *crack* as you break the topping with a spoon. With this is in your belly, you will no longer care about studying for your upcoming flight or doing any sort of work whatsoever. (Desserts are dangerous.)

1. FUCK YOU, GUATEMALA.  For the love of God, don’t go to Guatemala anticipating a beautiful meal that tastes delicious.  The local meats are no good, and cow doesn’t have ‘cuts’ so much as ‘parts that probably came off of a cow somewhere.’  The water is undrinkable, which means the salad is untrustworthy.  The Spanish word for “hummus” is apparently “homma,” which sounds so damn different from “hummus” that if you order “hummus,” your Spanish-speaking waitress will not understand a damn thing you say.   (This isn’t fair. My mom had a truly extraordinary shish kebob, which had onions and beef and eggplant, but the beef was nothing to write home about, and you have to work magic to make a shish kebob look beautiful enough to photograph.)

2. Fanta made with sucrose is the most delicious soda.

3. The national beer of Belize, Belikin, is truly delicious if you have spent all day baking in hot hot direct South American sunlight.  It is kept in the thickest damn bottles I have ever seen, so much so that you can’t tell if you’ve finished your beer or not.

4. It is incredibly hard to cook spaghetti properly on a boat.

5. If a crazy tanned man ever hands you homemade mango vinegar, accept.  I can guarantee you that it’s incredible, flavorful but still light, and emulsifies beautifully with a little mustard and olive oil for a simply perfect vinaigrette.

6. On the subject of mangos: DON’T TRUST CHILDREN.  You think you have to pay one quetzale for a mango.  In truth, you can get 10 mangos for 5 quetzales!  According to this handy chart, I had common mangos.  I could not shut up about mangos. Corellary to #1, you can go to Guatemala for the express purpose of eating mangos.

7. Allspice leaves smell just like allspice seeds, if not moreso.

8. Corellary to #6: If your boat’s bathroom decides to spontaneously break, then mangos are the worst food to have.  Seriously.  It’s like woo WOO, all aboard the express train to your worst goddamn nightmare.

9. Thanks to the Restaurant Villa del Chef in Flores, Guatemala (also home of the delicious shish kebob), I have discovered my new greatest hope for the Obama administration.  I want him to mend ties with Cuba and stop making Cuban goods illegal, so I can have a Cuba Libre.  It’s just a rum and coke with some lime, but godDAMN.  The Cuban rum I had was the most amazing thing I’ve ever tasted, and I can’t wait until that shit is legal stateside.

And finally, the most delicious food I had during my Spring Break:

10. A fucking ham and cheese sandwich.  NOT KIDDING.  We went on a five-hour hike through Tikal, Guatemala, which is the site of a very famous Mayan ruin.  We had five minutes before our tour to eat, and half of the sandwich survived to be eaten after climbing 80,000 perilously stupid steps.  It had thick-sliced white bread which was just a little crusty, and had a normal piece of American cheese and a normal slice of ham.  But there was some spiced mayonnaise on it which I will endeavor to reproduce soon, which made the whole thing taste both fulling, aromatic and savory.  My mom saved hers all the way to the last temple complex, and we were all really, really jealous.

And now, since I didn’t take any food pictures, Mayan ruins! Wooooo!

You’ll Need:
Olive Oil
Corn Starch, 4 tbsp
Salt & Pepper
Water, 2/3 cup
Meat/Tofu, ~16oz
Onion, 1 minced
Eggs, 2
Beef/Chicken Stock or Consommé, 32 oz
Vinegar, 4 tbsp
Soy Sauce, 1 tbsp
Mushrooms, if you have any on hand.

Drain the Tofu & slice the Tofu/Meat into thin strips. Lightly coat them in cornstarch. Combine the rest of the cornstarch into the water to create a paste. Mixing the cornstarch now prevents lumping later on when you thicken the soup.
Heat the oil in a large Wok and fry the onions until they’re soft; add the Meat, mushrooms, and turn up the heat. When the Meat is cooked, add the Stock/Consommé. Bring to a boil, let it simmer. Add the Tofu, vinegar, soy sauce, salt, pepper & Water/Corn Starch mixture. Vinegar is for the Sour, Pepper is for the Hot. For a slightly sharper taste, add red pepper of Sri Racha, like a Philistine. Bring the soup almost to a boil, and drizzle in the eggs. Booyah: poached eggs & soup!

The vinegar provided nice flavor that could have used more red pepper and spice. The cornstarch thickened the mixture nicely but more tofu & mushrooms are always a plus.  A Hot & Sour stew is never a bad thing.

Would you eat it in a Wok?

Would you eat it for good Luck?

I do not like green eggs & ham. I do not like them, as a plan! I will not try green beer or beef, unless, I turn another leaf. Inebriation is never right because I have an early flight! I’m writing verse upon a limb & hope these rhymes appease dear Kim… XD

I feel like avoiding the world but love preparing sweet, lemon-y foods, so crêpes it is! Crepes are the best bought off of street corners in Paris, but, being both classy & delicious, one can’t go wrong making them on your own.  I’ve seen a few recipes for an incredibly runny egg batter but I stole a more forgiving recipe from Alton Brown. I’ll experiment with others later on.

Ingredients

• 2 large eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/2 cup water
• 1 cup flour
• 3 tablespoons melted butter

This is basically no work to create as all of the art is in the flipping. Mix everything together; the batter should be homogeneous and without air bubbles. I used a blender for the mixing and refrigerated the batter overnight to allow it to settle. Reduced the air bubbles allows for easier flipping without any ripping.

I added two tablespoons of sugar, a teaspoon of Vanilla & a dash of Lemon Extract to turn my concoction into more of a dessert dish. The batter smelled strong, but the flavoring was just about perfect; distinctly lemon without overpowering any toppings.

Coat a small pan in non-stick spray or butter and drizzle a thin coating of batter into the pan.  (Thin crêpes tend to taste better, cook faster & you get more of them. Win.)  The outer edge of the crêpe will cook faster than in middle; after ~60 seconds, the batter should change from a light, runny consistency to a darker, solid state. The cooked portion will keep its form enough to allow you to flip the crêpe without too much disaster…

Add a topping, roll them up and enjoy. Alternatively, terribly crass, very hungry people, like me, also enjoy eating them plain.  Yarrr.

I am at Karen and Spanky’s house.  There are Street Fighter 4 sounds and egg beater sounds in the background.  We have had a Tea Party, limited in size but not limited in scope.  We don’t have pictures of our full spread, because food pretty much disappeared when it hit the table.  Also, the table was not large enough for all the food we made.  Also, our designated food photographer was too busy stuffing her face full of food (and thus taking care of our table space problem) to document all of our spread.

Drinks:

- Earl Grey Creme tea (from Teavana)

- Homemade ginger beer

- Storebought ginger beer

- I had a muthafuckin’ Vault. But that was just for maximum cooking power

Food:

- Cucumber, cream cheese, and whole wheat mini sandwiches

- Rosemary ham, cream cheese, and whole wheat mini sandwiches

- Bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapenos

- Cranberry scones

- Bacon and cheddar scones (see recipe below)

- Mumsy’s  buttermilk cake

- Vanilla cupcakes with strawberry whipped cream

- Clotted cream and blackberry jam from jars

The Baconator

The sandwiches ended up leaving us prematurely, and Gloria ate all of the cucumber, so I could not make more. The rosemary ham is delicious–I found it at my local Harris Teeter, so you might find some where you are too.  The bacon-wrapped jalapeno thingies were from a recipe I got from The Pioneer Woman, who has uncontrollably good taste in food.  Even people who couldn’t take the heat did not in fact have to get out of the kitchen.  Gloria’s bacon and cheddar scones rounded up the savory foods. We remarked later that they tasted a lot like the Asian pancakes Yulin posted about.  They would probably taste like a complete breakfast with a side of scrambled eggs.

Oh god... cupcakes...

I could comment on the cranberry scones and clotted cream and the buttermilk cake, but I couldn’t do them justice.  Not when my heart belongs to the queen of all desserts, the vanilla cupcakes.  Although I love cupcakes, I have never eaten one and been utterly consumed with the urgent need to eat another.  These cupcakes were like watching a hot chick happen to drop a quarter in front of you.  You watch her bend over, and all you want to do is throw another quarter out there, so it can keep bending over. And you know, because of the delicious whipped cream, that she will still be moist and not overpoweringly sweet and perfectly flavored and covered in strawberries again and again and again………..

Shit.

The point: I could eat a lot.  Karen has promised that she will post her exact demon recipe, to capture the hearts of men by singing them into the sea.

Quote from the room: “Oh god, he’s got a purple thong on. Oh shit.”

I think I have to go.

Easy beer bread:

3 cups all-purpose flour

3 tablespoons sugar (4 might be necessary for a very bitter beer)

1 tablespoon salt

1 bottle beer (I use Kirin Ichiban, because I usually have it on hand)

Mix dry ingredients thoroghly with a spoon or fork in a mixing bowl.  Pour in all the beer, and stir until you don’t see any flour, and it’s all a consistent mixture.  It will be more of a batter than a dough, so don’t worry about that.  Put in a greased loaf pan in a 350 degree oven for about an hour.  Halfway through, take a slice of butter, and brush it over the top of the bread to help brown the surface.  This bread is very forgiving in terms of overcooking.  The finished product will depend on the flavor of the beer, yeast content, and so on.  Goes really well with some beef stew, or pot roast with gravy, or chicken too.

The moral of the story is to never underestimate the power of Smarties.