Anyhow, we got another one of those purple eggplant monsters in our CSA box last week, so we decided to try it out using a recipe from the internet. Because we also like eating MEAT we also prepared a quick chicken satay, and taking a cue from our favorite Burmese restaurant, we made coconut rice instead of the usual plain steamed rice. :9 It was all very filling, especially with Thai iced tea on the side. (After dinner I had an irresistible urge to roll around on the floor moaning “FAT FAT FAT.”)

Chicken satay

• 3 chicken breasts, cut into strips length wise and then chopped into long-ish chunks
• 2 tbsp soy sauce
• 1 tbsp fish sauce
• 1 tbsp cooking rice wine
• 1 tbsp toasted sesame oil
• 1 tsp minced ginger
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 tsp ground coriander
• 1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
• 6-8 bamboo skewers, soaked briefly in water

Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl and marinate for at least an hour (preferably two). Set your oven to broil with a rack in the center. Skewer the marinated meat and set on a cooking sheet covered with aluminum foil. Broil for 6-12 minutes, depending on your broiler, turning the meat 2/3 of the way through. Make sure it’s done all the way through before you serve it with delicious peanut sauce.*

Thai basil eggplant

• vegetable or other neutral oil
• 1 large or 2 medium-sized eggplants, as fresh as possible
• 1 bunch (about 1 cup) thai basil leaves, stemmed**
• 1-2 tbsp sugar
• 2 cloves garlic, chopped
• 0-4 Thai chili peppers (depending on your spice-tolerance), chopped
• 3 tbsp fish sauce
• 1 tbsp soy sauce

Chop the eggplant into 1/2 inch thick rounds and then into approximately triangular or cubic chunks. Heat oil in a wok on medium-high heat, add the peppers and garlic, and fry until garlic is fragrant and golden brown. Add the eggplant, stir, add a cup of water, and cover the wok for 5-10 minutes, or until water is evaporated and the eggplant has become translucent. If you run out of water but the eggplant has not gone translucent, add a little more water (science!). Uncover, add the sugar, fish sauce, and soy sauce, and stir. Finally, add the basil and stir quickly to heat the basil such that it retains its color. Remove from heat immediately.

Coconut rice

• 2 c (dry) long-grain rice
• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 standard issue can of coconut milk
• 1 1/2 c water
• 1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• cinnamon, to taste

Wash the rice under cold water in a sieve, removing as much of the outer starch as possible. Drain well. Melt the butter in a medium saucepan on medium-high heat. Add the rice and stir to coat, about 2 minutes, or until rice has become translucent. Add the coconut milk, water, and salt, stir, and bring to a boil. Once boiling, cover and reduce heat to low, simmering until the rice is cooked through, about 15-20 minutes. Remove it from heat, fluff it with a fork, adjust salt, and add cinnamon to taste.

Action shot! Hand courtesy Henry M. Cook, Fish Sauce courtesy Fish Sauce, esq., lack of baseboards behind oven courtesy Our Landlady.

* We used store-bought, but recipes for this abound on the internet. In a pinch you can make it by mixing peanut butter (pref. smooth, for this) together with fish sauce, soy sauce, etc. You should know what this tastes like. Also good with satay: Chopped cucumbers and red onion in vinegar.

** Thai basil is different from the other kind (which is referred to as “Italian basil” in the chaotic, swirling nexus of my mind). If you don’t know what kind you have, Thai basil is generally “more purple” than the other kind, which usually has no purple in it at all.

So what do you do with summer squash? Probably the most delicious thing to do is to bread it and fry it and eat it with marinara, but that’s not really very “health conscious.” Instead, I decided to make risotto, because I’ve never done it before (GASP, I know rite? D:). The roommates were all down in Santa Cruz at the beach, so I decided to invite my friend Morgan over to be my guinea pig, and for company!

Summer squash risotto

• About 8 summer squash, chopped into 1/4 inch cubes
• [unqualified] olive oil or vegetable oil (for frying)
• Salt and black pepper
• 1 medium onion, chopped very fine (almost minced)
• 3 large cloves garlic, minced
• 2 cups arborio rice
• 1/2 cup sherry or white wine
• (at least) 5 cups warm chicken or vegetable broth, plus 1 cup more
• 3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil or butter (for flavor)
• 1/2 cup parmesan cheese, grated
• 2 tbsp dried thyme leaves (or to taste)… oregano and rosemary also probably work nicely
• If you’ve got them, roasted pumpkin seeds or sunflower seed kernels would probably be a delicious addition

So yah, risotto takes a fairly long time to make, it turns out (and I was going to do work today… maybe). It’s not very difficult, but there are a few steps:

1. Heat about a tbsp of oil in a large sautée pan (I used a wok, actually) on medium-low. Toss squash until well coated and cook to desired level of tenderness, add salt if desired. I didn’t cook it too much because I wanted a little resistance to the bite and the fresh, squashy flavor to stand out because it tastes like summer.



2. Remove squash and set aside. Pour oil into your cooking thing until the entire bottom has a shallow coat of oil. Add the onions and cook on medium-low, stirring occasionally, for 15 freaking minutes or until translucent. Add the garlic and cook for 2 more minutes.
3. Add the rice and toss until the onions, garlic, and rice are mixed, and the rice is coated with oil.
4. Turn the heat up to medium, and immediately add the booze, mixing well for 1 minute.
5. And now for the fun part! Add broth one cup at a time to the pan, cooking until the liquid has evaporated/been absorbed by the rice. Do this forever, or at least until the rice is done. It can be a little al dente, that’s okay. If you run out of broth (as I did), water works fine (though you might need to adjust the salt later), also you can add a little more booze if you want. Make sure to save at least one cup of broth for the last part! The goal here is just to make sure the rice doesn’t dry out during cooking, so you have to be mixing it CONSTANTLY. You cannot stop. No exceptions.
6. By the end it should have approximately the consistency of well, risotto, or maybe sticky rice if you are more familiar with that. Really, it doesn’t matter an awful lot so long as it tastes grrreat! When it’s reached the desired consistency and rice-cookedness, move it to a large serving/mixing bowl, fold the squash into the risotto, and then add the extra cup of broth, the parmesan, the thyme, and the tasty olive oil or butter (if you’re cheating). Salt and pepper to taste, and voilà: risotto!

Morgan and I ate it with fresh, unadorned cherry tomatoes and—more importantly—wine glasses filled with milk, because we’re classy dudes!

I had never heard of swai before, but sure enough, it was stocked right next to the tilapia and was cheaper, so I gave it a try. Apparently the proper name for it is “iridescent shark” (even though it’s a catfish, not technically a shark), which makes it even better. I don’t think I like it better than tilapia, as Gloria, did, but I certainly liked it an equal amount.

I don’t like onions, so I threw some fresh chopped garlic and dried basil (my fresh basil had gone off) and a couple tablespoons of olive oil into the pan. I added a splash of apple cider vinegar to the mix, which added a nice tang to the smell, though it didn’t taste especially strong on the fish. Then I rubbed salt and white pepper on the fish, and cooked it for about three minutes per side, following Gloria’s directions.

I sprinkled some rosemary and tarragon on the fish, and then thought, “What the heck?” and added a dash of ground cloves. Then a generous amount of white wine, since that was what I had handy.

Meanwhile, I was cooking some white rice on the back burner, and steaming some mushrooms and broccoli over the rice. When the fish was done, and the mushrooms and broccoli were starting to get there, I flipped the fish onto a plate and added the veggies to the pan I’d cooked the fish in, adding some more olive oil, wine, and spices.

Next time I think I might plan ahead a bit more about the sauce for the veggies — compared to the fish, they and the rice were a bit bland. The fish, though, turned out perfectly.

• The giant tomatoes I used the first time were a better balance of rice-to-tomato, but since they were hot-house grown, the little ones I used the second time actually tasted better. My advice: hold out for good tomatoes – preferably non-refrigerated.
• On roasting potatoes: the second time, I put them in their own dish, cut them a little thicker, salt-and-peppered them, and made sure to really really coat them with oil. I also cooked them at higher heat (~450F) for the last ten minutes after I took the tomatoes out. Some combination of these things helped a lot.
• Dried basil is an okay substitution here for once, since it gets cooked so much.
• I made fresh breadcrumbs the second time, whereas the first time I used “Italian” breadcrumbs in a box – texture was probably better the second time but if you don’t have a loaf of nice bread and a food processor sitting around it’s not a big deal.
• No really, do roast the tomatoes for that full time. They need it.
• And, as for a risotto, it really does need to be arborio rice.
• Correspondingly, if you’re making this for company, remember that you can’t skimp on the baking time and they may hate you forever if dinner is an hour late (I’m just saying. This is also why I didn’t pause to take pictures!)

For the dinner party last night, I made a green salad and topped it with sliced roast chicken breasts so we could pretend there was protein, and this was basically way too much food for everyone (in a good way). We had it with a cheap Montepulciano which was lovely – although it’s a veggie dish, warnings about pairing reds with heavy tomato sauces apply. I have leftover tomatoes so I’ll probably do it again in a week or so – the prep doesn’t take that long, and it’s warm and comforting and also looks deceptively fancy.

Here are my five most favorite foods in the world:

1. Chinese barbecue sea cucumber
2. Spaghetti with meat sauce
3. Chinese sticky rice
4. Chinese beef noodle soup (thick noodles, please!)
5. Pizza (any kind except NY thin crust)

Thanks to the housewarming party last week, I feel like I can make an edible version of #2 and #5, the only two non-Chinese foods on the list. This means I am either inept or a race traitor, but most likely, I am both. However, thanks to extensive efforts by Karen to 1) advise me, and 2) give me a short break from playing Left 4 Dead every waking hour of my day, I managed to pull together a pot of Chinese Sticky Rice that is both delicious and easy (much like a certain someone’s mother I could list but totally won’t JOSH.)

Two more warnings: This food is the ugliest food in the world. I’m not kidding. Unless you grew up with it and have associated it Pavlov-style with the greatest flavors your mouth has ever known, it’s pretty hideous. No pictures, so I won’t dissuade you from doing making it. Two, this food requires Asians nearby, namely enough Asians to supply an Asian grocery store. While I’m certain that some of the ingredients can be substituted out without issue, there’s something about the Asian ingredients that makes this one special. Maybe I’ll try to cook a white person version, made entirely out of white person things. OR MAYBE NOT HOLLA BACK ISOLATIONISTS!

Ingredients:

• 3 cups Sweet Rice (do white people have this, maybe at their fancy organic stores? Either way, you can’t switch this one out.)
• 1-2 cups dried shiitake mushrooms
• Two chicken bouillon cubes
• 5 links (6-8 oz) Chinese sausage (I found it in the canned vegetable section of my local Asian grocery story, which makes pretty much zero sense–PS: It looks like beef jerky)
• 1/2 cup thin-sliced spring onions (only the white and light green parts)
• 1 tbs minced ginger
• 1 tbs vegetable oil
• 1/3 cup rice wine or medium-dry sherry (I ran out of rice wine, so used half and half)
• 3 tbs soy sauce
• 2 tbs oyster sauce
• 2 tsp sesame oil
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp white pepper
• 1 fingertip (human)

There is a lot of pre-prep to this dish, so give yourself an ample two hours and find something cool to do. I bet you could learn to knit or make a pine cone bird feeder in the intervening time! You could start a club!

1. Soak your rice in a large receptacle with cold water for at least two hours. The water doesn’t have to stay cold, but it ought to start there. Ancient Chinese secret: this step cannot be skipped. If you don’t soak out some of the starch, you will have some kind of starch disaster. Before you start cooking for reals, put your rice in a strainer, rinse with some more cold water, and drain.

2. About an hour before your rice is done, chop up your veggies (get a really good mince on the ginger, if you fear it as I do) and cut your Chinese sausage. Quarter it lengthwise, then chop it up into 1/2″ lengths. If you’re a dunce, you’ll use a santoku knife for this part, then forget that Chinese sausage has the consistency of beef jerky, then you’ll slip and cut the tip of your finger off. I highly recommend this method, because I don’t really like you much. Finish cooking the dish with an improvised bandage of paper towel, packaging tape, and utmost misery.

3. About 30 minutes before your rice is done soaking, prepare a bath of warm water (I used about 3 cups) and soak your mushrooms. The recipe called for about 1 cup, but I am a ho for mushrooms, so I used two… handfuls. The more mushrooms you use, the more flavorful your mushroom water will be: keep this in mind. After the mushrooms soak for around 30 minutes, wring them out (it’s gross and awesome) and give them a coarse chop. I did long slices, because I love mushrooms. Then, reheat your mushroom water a wee bit, and dissolve two chicken bouillon cubes in it. Extra flavor? YES MA’AM.

4. Prepare your seasonings. Put your booze, soy sauce, oyster sauce, sesame oil, salt and pepper into a bowl. No reason except so you won’t have to measure while stir-frying. That step goes hella fast, and if you’ve followed directions, you’ll be frying one-handed anyways.

Okay, time for the actual cooking! You’ll want a wok or something that fries things well, and (and this is critical, unless you want to spend 12 hours cooking this like me) something else that retains heat well. One day, ladies and gentlemen, I will acquire some kind of absurd scientific dutch oven. Until then, a pot with a tight-fitting lid will have to do for you.

5. Put a wok over high heat until it just begins to smoke. Put the veggie oil into the wok until it starts to smoke.

6. Spring onions and ginger in the wok! 30 seconds!

7. Sausage in the wok! One minute!

8. Mushrooms in the wok! One minute!

9. Bowl o’ seasoning in the wok! One minute!

10. SWEET JESUS THAT WAS FAST GET THAT SHIT OFF THE STOVE GAH.

11. Dump your drained rice into the wok and stir around until everything seems pretty well amalgamated.

12. Dump the entire contents of your wok into a heat-retaining receptacle.  This is probably a good time to add your mushroom chicken broth. Yeah, let’s do it now. Don’t worry that it doesn’t look like enough fluid–trust in the rice. While the stove is still on high, bring the contents to a simmer, then turn the heat to low. Cover tight, then let it sit for 25 minutes. After it looks mostly done (the rice will be brown and sticky, with some occasional white specks), take your rice off the heat, stir it a bit, then re-cover and wait for 10 more minutes. It should be done and tasty by then.

Alert: Don’t use a pot with a scraped-up and horrible bottom. The rice at the bottom will form a thin crust that comes out easily with soaking, but also is delicious. If you can peel some of that off, it’s like fried gold.

Do you have any of those spring onions left? Chop up the dark green parts and use it as garnish. As I said, I am a ho, so I like a little more soy sauce. Ancient Chinese warning: According to my grammas, doing this will make your skin dark. Like a black person. Oh, my people. Sometimes, you are so charmingly racist.

A special note from Karen, ranked by one Ted Yokoyama as the most Asian girl in our group: You can add a ton of different things to this dish! They used to make it with a pork that is no longer used. You can add thin-sliced pork and reminisce about the old days, when the British subjugated us with drugs! Or you can add tiny dried shrimps from the yucky aisle of your local Asian grocery mart! Sometimes you will see this dish pressed into a shallow bowl and upended on a plate, with sweet & sour sauce and crushed peanuts as topping!

In short, yes, I know this is a very basic recipe. But the point is that it tastes and feels RIGHT, and doesn’t take enormous amounts of effort to make, contrary to what most Chinese mothers will tell you.

Conclusion: RICE! You make! Make strong like ox!

So here’s my problem.  When I make up recipes, I think things will be GREAT.  They are not always great.  I feel like I’ve got imagination, but terrible form.  The form will come with either practice or reincarnation after I light myself on hot, hot fire.   Or maybe, I just have to get Sfofie to teach me how to do things without dying.  Again. 

The challenge:

I was so disappointed with Guatemala that I wanted to make a nice, tropical-themed meal that wasn’t too hard to make. 

The plan:

Tropical food to me means blending flavors.  The safe blandness of chicken, with the tangy surprise of jerk rub.  Cayenne pepper with mango.  I wanted to make the Jabba’s Palace of food: A party in your mouth, bounty hunters okay.

- Coconut rice with capers.

- Ham and pineapple rounds, with toasted paprika.

- Grilled romaine  hearts, with pineapple flavor.

The fail: 

Cast iron grill pan has failed me.  Also, I have failed myself.  I also suspect that my current kitchen’s fan is not powerful enough;  I smoke up my apartment like a latchkey kid.  But I’m just trying to grill some damn lettuce. 

The most successful bit by far was the ham and pineapple rounds.  I found a pastry round just the size of pineapple slices, and cut a thick slice of ham into perfect little circles.  I cooked the ham, just a couple minutes over medium heat in a skillet, and threw the pineapple on the grill pan on medium. There was some olive oil involved, and the pineapple came out smoky and delicious.  I toasted the paprika in a dry pan on medium-low for about two minutes or so, and it came out tasting smoky and just right… and then I forgot to put it on the pineapple.

Bonus round: I marinated my pineapple for around an hour in spiced rum. Not sure if it made a difference in flavor, but my rum tasted DAMN fine. 

The part that should’ve worked in theory was the rice.  I just Japanese extra fancy rice, toasted it a bit in oil, and then dropped in a can of coconut milk and a can of water.  I forgot to cover it (fault 1), and I didn’t let it cook long enough because it was looking like the rice was ready to melt into some kind of sad mush (fault 2).  The taste was great–the coconut is light and happy, and the capers give it a sharp kick in the nads.  One caper per bite was usually enough to totally end my world with happiness.  For next time: cook rice like not a retard.  (PS: this rice really is good. I’m not a huge fan of coconut, but I gorged on this stuff when my mom made it in Belize. Try it! You won’t be 

The grilled romaine was a fail so epic, Xerxes would’ve shook his head in shame.  I’d be like, “Fuck you, Xerxes, you couldn’t take out 300 dudes at Thermopylae!” and he’d be like, “It’s lettuce, Jo.  You messed up grilling already-prepared food.  What the hell is wrong with you?”  Fault 1: So you brush a little oil on things you grill. “Cool,” I thought, “I’ll make something neat and emulsified, and have a nice flavored grill thing. And look, all this leftover pineapple juice…” Let me tell you something, kids. Don’t make an emulsion out of pineapple juice, mustard, and olive oil. It doesn’t fucking work. It doesn’t make the tangy, sweet, savory thing you want, and the texture is disastrous. Also, don’t cut your romaine hearts in half when you grill them. Tiny pieces of lettuce will fall into the cracks, stick, and ultimately smoke up your entire house. 

If I had another shot at this one, I would just lightly oil up the romaine, then make a separate vinaigrette, I’m thinking raspberries and white wine vinegar. The flavor of my weird stuff didn’t even come out. I ended up gorging on leftover pineapple slices and drowning my sorrows in liquor.

Business as usual.