Luckily, we had master chef Christoper there to appease our stomachs with homemade bruschetta and garlic bread. Also, Sophie brought over a bottle of chianti classico that went really well with the appetizers and surprisingly decently with the main course. What? Red wine with seafood? Yes, yes we can.

Also, I got to break in my new, awesome, large, gas-range-wielding kitchen last night!  Being able to talk to people who are sitting at the bar while I cook is so good.

Photo!

I lifted the recipe from the Food Network site and added my own comments below:

**As far as proportions go, I find that this recipe serves 3-4 people easily.

• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1/2 cup finely chopped yellow onion
• 1/4 cup tomato concasse (tomatoes peeled, seeded, and cut into strips) **I just used diced tomatoes from a can!
• 1/4 cup sliced scallion greens
• 2 teaspoons minced garlic
• 1/2 cup vodka
• 1 cup fish stock **fish stock is a little hard to find, chicken or vegetable stock work fine as substitutes
• 2 cups whipping cream
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 8 ounces gemelli **definitely recommend using gemelli in particular – it goes so well
• 1 tablespoon very finely grated Parmesan
• 1/2 pound smoked salmon, sliced thinly and chopped **you can definitely get away with less
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
• 2 tablespoons chiffonade fresh basil

Directions

In a large skillet, melt the butter over medium-high heat. Add the onions and cook, stirring, until soft, about 3 minutes. Add the tomato, scallion greens, and garlic and cook, stirring, for 30 seconds.

Remove the pan from the heat and add the vodka. Return to the heat and flame.

**Note: You’ll need one of those long lighters that you use for grills and such, I’ve tried using matches before because I lacked lighters and it’s not pretty.  After you light it on fire, pick up the pan and shake it lightly and watch the flames dance! It’s pretty and blue.  The shaking will help the vodka burn faster/more evenly I think, while also being a source of entertainment.

When the flame dies out, add the stock. Bring to a boil and reduce by 50 percent in volume. Add the cream, salt, and pepper, and cook until reduced by 50 percent in volume.

**Note: This takes REALLY LONG if you are making a lot; with my doubled recipe yesterday it took about an hour and a half. Generally though, I would expect it to take only about 30 minutes with a regular batch. You’ll know it’s about done when the cream takes on the reddish color of the tomatoes in the sauce!

Meanwhile, cook the pasta in a pot of boiling salted water until al dente. Drain in a colander.

Add the pasta to the cream sauce and toss to coat. Add the cheese, salmon, and herbs, and remove from the heat. Toss to coat. Serve immediately.

I understand, having once accidentally ordered a meat lovers’ pizza for my Muslim Chinese stepmother, that some people may feel offended by my passion for bacon.

Okay, so I was going to MSPaint me flicking off vegetarians in the blessed sight of God. But, it turns out that I suck at drawing heresy, and Ubuntu does not have an equivalent of MSPaint that I could find.

Anyways, I tried to put bacon into Asian pancakes. I mostly used the Yulin method, but I found one with pictures on the internet.

Ingredients:

- Five cups of flour

- Two cups of boiling water

- One cup of cold water

- Salt

- Vegetable oil

- Scallions, chopped

- Bacon, cooked to a crisp and crumbled

Confession: I fucked up bacon. These are paraphrased Gloria instructions for cooking bacon: “Heat the pan to medium, medium high. Put the bacon in the pan. Maybe move it around a little. If things get ridiculous, drain the pan.” If you are functionally stupid in a kitchen, I highly recommend turning your stove fan on its highest setting before doing any of that shit. And then make sure your boyfriend is out of the house so he does not see the smoky bacon disaster.

Okay, the fun part that doesn’t make you look like a jackass. Put the flour in a mixing bowl. Pour boiling water into the bowl and stir it around with a spoon until it’s crumbly. It doesn’t need to be fine crumbs, just kind of pieces. Now pour the cold water in. Then put your hands in and have a grand old time. If you want some structure, see Sophie’s post on baking bread. If you don’t have a pleasant, slightly sticky dough at this point, add some water. If your dough feels like an Alien facehugger looks, then toss in some more flour. Knead like a mofo. Knead until you can’t move. I’m not kidding. My triceps hurt the next day.

Let the dough rest for a bit with a towel on it so it doesn’t get dusty. If you’re feeling like a fancypants, brush some oil on it first. While the dough is resting, take your chopped green onion and sprinkle some salt on it so it gets wilty.

From here on, use Yulin’s instructions. I only have a bit of advice.

Bacon!

1. If you use these instructions, divide the pancakes into five pieces, not four. Four is too much. Four makes an Olympic-grade discus.

2. Sprinkle the bacon on liberally, but watch out: it doesn’t flavor the pancake as much as you want it. Sprinkle a little salt on before you hit Cinnabon stage.

3. Right before you fry, stretch out the pancake a little, until it is a size that you think is attractive.

4. When Yulin says “Generously oil,” he is not fucking kidding. This is not stir frying oil. You are practically deep frying your business. And the pancake will drink up a ton of it; my most successful pancake involved me reoiling the pan before I flipped.This oil means serious business.

5. Pro-tip from Gloria: toss your pancake in the air and catch it in the pan for bonus points. I don’t believe I did this successfully.

After three tries, I finally got one right. Fluffy, delicious, and perfect with Soy Sauce Paste. It sounds like crap and looks like crap, but it brings a party to your mouth and the cops aren’t invited.

This one turned out fluffy and delicious! I know what you Asian people are wondering: where are the layers? Well… shut up. It has bacon, dude.

Bacon and Cheddar Scones

Ingredients (makes about 8 large scones)

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 5 tablespoons chilled, unsalted butter, cut into 1/4-inch cubes
• 4-6 slices of bacon, depending on the thickness
• 1/2 cup scallions, sliced very thinly
• 1 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1/2 cup grated cheddar cheese
• 1 cup heavy cream

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix the flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, black pepper, cheddar and scallions together.  I decided to try a “stout cheddar”, which is basically aged cheddar with some stout beer in it. Cook the bacon in a pan  and then crumble into little bits.  Cut in the butter using a pastry blender or your fingers. The mixture should get a cornmeal-like texture once the butter is mostly cut in.  Add the bacon, mix, and then mix in the heavy cream with a rubber spatula or fork.  Mix until it starts to be dough-like and a bit sticky, then put it on a lightly floured surface and pat it out into a circular shape about 1/2 inch thick.  Cut it like a pizza, and you’ll get 8 triangular scones! Stick in the oven for about 15 minutes.

The results: quite tasty! I love plain savory scones for breakfast. The cranberry ones definitely go well with clotted cream and some jam.  I think the savory scones ended up a bit salty, which I suspect is due to the cheese I picked. So if you’re trying a batch yourself, try adjusting the amt of cheese to account for how intense the cheese is.

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